Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Forgiveness

The worst thing I have ever experienced is loss. Three years ago I lost my dad and this year I lost myself. I've always had a sense of who I was or more like who I should be. Be a strong, happy girl who loves and serves the Lord. It doesn't seem like such a hard task until you realize you have to grow up too. Growing up means more difficult challenges and facing temptations. It means finally being tall enough for the roller coaster we call life. I wasn't prepared for the drop. One day, I was that strong, happy girl and the next I was the girl who lost her dad. It's hard to face such a tragedy and still keep a smile, but that's what I did. I remained strong but I had lost my happiness. Of course, God restored me but then I faced another challenge. Not only continuously grieving the loss of my dad, but moving into a new life. I should have relied on God but I was surrounded by others that I didn't know. I felt abandoned and as if no one else could understand my relationship with God. As a teenager it is hard to take a stand for what you believe in when everyone else is standing up for something else. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life became a blur. I lost my relationship with God because I was afraid of being alone and not being accepted. I started to experience a life outside of God. Then I convinced myself that living a life of sin was easier than standing alone. I was wrong. When I lost Him, I lost myself. That strong girl became weak, lost, unhappy, and insecure. Most days, I couldn't look at myself and getting out of bed was a struggle. I was ashamed of who I became and I couldn't forgive myself for letting God down. I find it so easy to forgive others but so incredibly hard to forgive myself for what I have done wrong. Living a life without God is not easier, we don't always understand what He has planned, but He will always be the way to go. Although, I struggle to forgive myself, God does not struggle to forgive me. His forgiveness is my chance to start over and to find myself again. I am not perfect but I am not my mistakes. I know I am able to love myself because God loves me no matter what. It's never to late to be found again in Him.